The last week has been one of those I’m happy just to make it through. I’ve avoided posting mainly because I didn’t want to broadcast the intensely negative feelings I’ve been experiencing. No special event triggered this dark mood, and no events positive or negative seemed to be able to change it for more than the briefest time. It’s the closest my mood has come to actual depression since I started taking T-blockers, which is over two years ago now.
I guess it’s lingered long enough that I ought to say something about it, lest I leave the impression that my transition only involves the successes and happy milestones. So, with a warning that this is not a happy post, here goes.
I don’t know whether this is the cause of my current funk or merely an effect of it, but I’ve been intensely bothered lately by feeling trapped in some transitional middle ground – neither man nor woman. I realize I’m still fairly early in transition as things go. I still won’t even qualify for gender confirmation surgery for several more months. But my life is beginning to feel dysphoric again. The feeling is not as intense as it was when I was living as a man, but it’s similar in kind if not severity. I thought those feelings were behind be, but apparently not.
A particular annoyance growing on my mind is that I cannot erase the memories of those who knew me before. Those memories prevent those people from truly seeing me as a woman. The good-hearted ones may use the right pronouns and manners, but they still don’t see me as a woman. They see me as a transgender person, and mean no harm by it. However I didn’t transition in order to be some kind of third-gender, in between man and woman. That may be a wonderful state to live for some people, but it’s not for me. That’s not who I am, and it’s not the kind of life I want to lead. But every slipped pronoun reminds me that is exactly the life I have at the moment.
Some may interpret the above as some kind of regret or belated doubt about transitioning, and that’s not it at all. I not only would never go back, I never could. The stress and anxiety of living as a man exhausted all the reserves I had left. That door is closed and locked behind me. If someone handed me a key I’d destroy it.
My challenge is that I must succeed in my transition because I have no viable alternative. I spent thirty some years on my own and still more years in therapy looking for any way I could live short of transitioning. I ran out of options. So I’m not regretting the decision to transition, but the transition itself was never the goal. The goal is to be reached at the end of the transition by being able to live as the person I truly am. And that person is a woman. Period. If I come to the point where I no longer believe I can make it to that goal… well, like I said… there is no alternative way for me to live.
The past few nights I’ve been dreaming of ants. They pop up vividly in the middle of most any dream , so that they’re about the only thing I remember dreaming about the next morning. Big ants with a large nest working diligently, completely oblivious too all else going on in the dream. To those who interpret such things, this probably means something important. But I’ve got no technicolor dream coat, so I’ll leave that sort of thing to others.
On a positive note, I received a hand written note from my aunt this week telling me she’s been reading the blog to try to understand more about my transition. It came addressed to Diana, making her the first aunt or uncle to officially adopt my new name. That was a bit of a mood lifter, and maybe suggests I’m running up against my impatience in wanting this transition to just be over already rather than encountering any actual barriers to final acceptance. As the cliche goes, it’s a marathon not a sprint.
First, to get the important order of business out of the way – I *hate* ants – they make my skin crawl. They are simply way too organized and regimented, and they demonstrate a collective intelligence that is downright scary. At age 4, while I sat on my tricycle in my grandmother’s driveway, hundreds of the sneaks crawled stealthily up my body, and then apparently one of them gave the silent order to attack and all at once I was being bitten from hundreds of directions at the same time. To be fair to the little creatures, I had been hovering over some of their friends who’d taken up residence in a crack in the driveway, and I was, um, drowning them in spit. So, yes, I realize I had it coming to me. Still, they creep me out – 37 years later!
I’m truly sorry to see you are going through a tough time right now. The more I read your blog, and comments elsewhere and “get to know you”, the more I realize you are quite wise and thoughtful. So, if anyone deserved to have an “easy” transition, you should definitely be a candidate. However, for those of us who’ve just gotten on the carousel and having a rough time of it, there’s some usefulness in seeing that the tears and pain are not all about the beginning, but they will be there, intermittently perhaps, but there throughout the journey. Like you mentioned as well, it’s good to see another dimension of your experience so others can avoid just assuming that “Diana got lucky and has a very easy transition without any real problems to work through.” I guess that means it makes it easier to relate to you and your experiences, and gives me a glimmer of hope that, while transition may never be “easy”, and it may even go on for far longer than I wish, things can and will get better over all.
I’m sure that lots of your friends here would agree with me when I say that I have zero doubts that you will be back to your old, positive and wonderful self in short order. Best wishes always – Stacey
Diana,
You know that I’ve been experiencing the exact same thing as well of late. It’s both surprising and expected that my experiences are mirroring yours so closely.
Remember how new this all is. Remember that this year is not going to be a microcosm of the rest of your life. We’re still in our infancy as far as living as women go…
I feel the same thing with my friends and with people who knew me previously. The hard part for me is that I wonder if at some point, to be able to truly live as myself, will I have to let these people go? I hope not.
Anyway, I’m not sure there’s much I can say to really help, but I can offer my support and let you know there’s a kindred spirit out there with you.
xoxo
Teagan
Diana,
I can’t comment from experience but rather only from an observational standpoint. It seems to me these are growing pains so to speak. When you exercise, your muscles hurt, when you do therapy, you cry before you laugh. These are normal in the growth pattern.
I would think you would have days you feel totally like you, days where you feel like your old self, and days you feel somewhere in between.
The goal is to know that you are moving towards the great majority of those days feeling like you and less and less infrequently any other way.
You knew going in the first year was going to be messy, that’s just the way it is. Be patient and know the life you want is well on the way.
xoxo
At one time, those who transitioned broke all ties with their past and started over in a new city. I don’t think that was only to protect non-trans people from having to deal with us, as some have written. There has to be a psychological benefit to knowing that everyone you know sees you and treats you as you really are, untainted by any knowledge of your past.
For most of us, that’s either impractical or simply not worth the price. We pay a different price for not going in that direction.
Given more time, I think people will see you differently. Not everyone. Some are stuck in the past. Some will never get it. Some people you have to avoid or leave behind for your own psycholgical well-being. But I think many if not most people will get it. Over time, your current self will be the only one they know. Increasingly distant memories won’t count for much.
I do see you as a woman.
“Transitional middle ground”
That’s about right, Diana. And it’s one of the worst places to be because it’s hard to feel like one thing or another, especially when dealing with those who are resistant to change. I mean here we are, some 40 or 41 years into life and we’re asking all those before people to become after people…sorry, not asking, expecting and demanding.
I have these conversations with people where I am constantly correcting gender and name just slightly under my breath. I worked with this director of photography years ago whose name is Christopher and whenever someone would call him Chris, he would always follow with “topher”. I do the same thing and sometimes it seems like a nag, but I expect and demand that they come around.
And it’s even harder for me because I still have to present male so much of the time. But for those that know, I cannot simply sit by and let them live in the past and they understand that and I forgive them their mistakes but I am also a teacher and I believe if we don’t correct someone, they will keep on making the same mistake.
And this “transitional middle ground” is like a swamp and every step seems to take a gargantuan effort and it is exhausting and that we feel down from time to time…well, it is to be expected. That anyone makes it through all of this at all is amazing to say the least. It’s easier to climb Everest and not nearly as dangerous.
But there is no alternative. You’re right. (and beware the giant ants!)
xoxo
I found two sites that had this to say about ants in dreams.
Ants
Because of the nature of ants and the widespread occurrence of fire ants, it is only natural that this little creature find its way into our subconscious as the symbol of pettiness and annoyance. But on a positive note, they can symbolize diligence foresight and teamwork. The little ant is also indicative of organization, and business discipline. In dreams where the ant is related to work issues the ant symbolizes the work ethic or lack of. To be bitten by an ant in a dream can indicate a small annoyance in your life, or if bitten by many, lots of small annoyances in life.
Ants
To see ants in your dream implies that you are not happy with your current position or situation. You harbour emotions of abandonment and inattention. You may be easily irritated and frustrated by minor matters.
Ants are the world’s janitors. The clean up all the messes we leave behind. We tend to be a messy species so they always busy. Maybe the size and number of ants is in direct proportion to the mess.
Life’s transition is over when the janitors are picking our bones. Some imply the middle ground ends when you go full time or have GRS. But as long as you interact with people who know your past there will still be constant reminders.
“We’re still in our infancy as far as living as women go… I feel the same thing with my friends and with people who knew me previously. The hard part for me is that I wonder if at some point, to be able to truly live as myself, will I have to let these people go? I hope not” -Teagan
“…as long as you interact with people who know your past there will still be constant reminders” -Teri
“Some people you have to avoid or leave behind for your own psycholgical well-being. But I think many if not most people will get it. Over time, your current self will be the only one they know. Increasingly distant memories won’t count for much.” -Ariel
Diana, there is little that I can add to what our friends have written above. Their words reflect and bear witness to what I have surmised over the years and that is that connections to one’s past DO make it more difficult. As most of you already know, mine was a much different narrative as I was able to “start over” as the real me, with little fanfare trauma or drama. I even returned to the same small city where I had lived and worked previously, BUT as a TOTALLY different person, working in a totally different line of work. Everybody I met, everybody I knew, knew ME as just the “me”, that I was.
Yes, my immediate family, Mother, Father, Brother, knew. My mother seemed to have an seemingly uncanny intuitive undersatnding of my plight and supported me unconditionally, which was a HUGE, life saving advantage. My brother was barely 5 years old when I started. On the other hand, it took my father decades to finally come around.
My hope is that you can find away to keep those important and meaningful parts of your life that you need, without having to pay too high a price. Now might be a good time to start figuring out just exactly what parts of your “old” life, your past, might be expendable and available to be “tossed over the side”. I mean, how much baggage are you able or willing to keep and drag around with you?
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