I’ve been blaming myself for years for losing friendships and family relations because I never reached out to them. Of course I never reached out, I thought. I’ve been crippled by my stupid gender issues. I’ve spent a considerable amount of therapy coming to terms with this grievous fault of mine.
Now I’m starting to notice… those people never reached out to me either. And this goes for when they didn’t know anything about my gender weirdness.
I’m noticing this because, now that I’m out of the closet, and now that I’m reaching out a lot more to other people… by and large those people still don’t reach out to me. I’m the one who picks up the phone or sends the e-mail. And if I ever stop… it’s pretty clear I’ll never hear from most of them ever again.
I’m not really sure how to think of this. I could despair and decide this means I totally suck. Or I could get desperate and beg. Or I could launch some kind of publicity campaign to get more attention regardless of the meaning.
I’m inclined to think this just shows I never really fit into life before coming out, which is exactly how I felt all the while. Makes sense that others felt it too, and therefore they don’t feel any reason to be close to me now that I’m becoming whole as some person they truly never knew in the first place.
All the more reason to look ahead, rather than look back. Ahead is life. If you look back you turn to salt. The Bible says that. I’m paraphrasing.