Dad called me tonight. He’s a freshly minted retired person now. Which means he’s also freshly cut off from his previous Internet source. Ergo, finally, he bought a computer and is in the process of getting an Internet provider.
I didn’t reach out a whole lot to my dad via the Internet previously, partly because I felt “watched” sending things to his government e-mail account (dad worked as a civilian for the Department of the Army for over 30 years). But now that excuse is gone.
I’m a little unsure what to do with the new situation. I want to reach out, but I’m also afraid what I’ll get back. This is the parent who is more accepting of my transition, and yet he can’t bring himself to use my new name or the appropriate pronouns. Dad is the one who told me he would fully support me… in any decision to detransition. How deeply do I really want to delve into that kind of thinking?
Part of the reason he called was to tell me about the computer, and part of it was to ask about our upcoming trip to Illinois. We’re going to pass pretty close to their house, but not stop in to visit. The reason I gave him for that was that we’re too tightly scheduled to fit it in. But the real reason is that I’m not truly welcome there. Their son is welcome. I am grudgingly tolerated. I can’t really deal with that situation right now, so we’re skipping the extra visit to avoid it. But it’s not the kind of disagreement that can be put off indefinitely.
If it were possible to amputate one’s emotional attachment to their parents, I probably would have done it long ago. But now I find us even more connected.