The magic number is currently eleven. That the number of days I have to show up at work presenting as a male. And since work is the last place I bother to do that whatsoever, that is also the number of days I have to endure before I get to drop the pretense of being a guy forever.
Sadly these are not consecutive days. They’re work days. The official last date I must present as male is September 15. But looking at the work calendar… accounting for weekends and Labor Day when I won’t have to put on “guy mode” … that’s eleven actual days.
I’m a little floored by the intensity of emotion welling up over this. I have no idea how it will feel as that final day passes but I’m pretty sure it will be like nothing else I’ve experienced before.
How does one even explain this experience to non-trans people. I struggle for the words and fail. All I can do is try to describe rather than explain.
Imagine every day waking up, picking up a fifty pound weight, and then going through your entire day carrying that around. Now imagine someone told you it was possible to go about your day and never pick up that fifty pound weight at all. Think about how much lighter you would feel. Think about how you might look forward to some things you have always dreaded. How you might no longer need assistance with tasks you never felt capable of handling alone before.
That’s a loose analogy to the kind of thing I’m experiencing. I can’t wait, and yet I don’t even think I’ve yet come around to fully believing it can be true . People don’t actually live their lives without picking up that weight, do they? Even if they do, I’m not going to get to be one of them, surely.
One of the things you learn when you finally come to terms with yourself as transsexual is that life, for you, has been hard. But more than that, it’s been hard in ways that are invisible to everyone around you. Because those other people don’t see the difficulty, we come to doubt it ourselves. We try to talk ourselves out of it, even.
But it’s only when we put that stuff behind us that we can appreciate how immense the struggle has been. Sometimes especially when we were pretending we didn’t feel it at all.
After eleven more days I think I will understand this more than I ever have before. And I can’t wait. And I’m scared. And I want the days to be over already. And I don’t believe they ever will be.