So the magic number is now nine (i.e. nine more days I have to go to work as a guy). And my brain is officially fried.
As timing has it, I am coming out at work immediately – I mean IMMEDIATELY – after I lead a two week kickoff and intensive workshop for the biggest project in my department for the next two years. Once again, I’m not “attending” this workshop. I’m leading it. As my male self. For two extremely intense weeks.
And after that – as in the very next day after that – I leave the office for a couple of days so that they can announce my gender transition to everyone. And then I return on the following Monday, buried in catch-up work from the couple of days I took off and, oh, by the way, now presenting as Diana to people who still think of me as a guy. Yeah, that’s going to be a productive Monday.
Even if I wasn’t transitioning this would be an extraordinarily stressful period of work for me. I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders, everyone is counting on me, and all eyes are focused upon me. And then I add a transition to the mix with the most wickedly perfect timing to maximize the stress level.
Obviously I didn’t plan the two events to sync up like this. That was a happy coincidence. But Jeebus! I’m not sure I can make it through the remaining days. I’ve only got the first day of this workshop down. I was able to hold it together today, but after getting home I realize I’m a freaking emotional mess. That was part one of a ten day odyssey. With me – in freaking guy-mode, which is hard enough to pull off in short doses anymore – at the helm.
What makes it worse is that I haven’t yet developed “leadership” aspects of my gender presentation which don’t read as at least partly male. So I feel like I’m hammering home “I’m a MAN” again, and again, and again… and then I transition with that being my last impression. It’s like Mike Ditka taking an extended weekend from doing NFL commentary during which it is announced he now wants to go by “Loretta” from now on. It would sound like a freaking joke.
Nine more days to try to get through.
I’ll be trying to telepathically project “girl in a pantsuit” when I’m in front of the room tomorrow. See if that helps.