I went out to dinner tonight with a friend. It helped take my mind off the stress for a time. But it wasn’t a lasting cure. I don’t think anything will be until my workplace transition is over.
I have seven more work days to make it through before the official transition. That’s ten calendar days. Every one of those days will be off the scale in terms of stress, self-doubt, and projections of disaster, if the last week is anything to go by. And I think it is.
For a sample, here’s a little essay I wrote a bit earlier.
Take all the confidence of the prior months and throw it out the window when workplace transition comes around. I’m back to doubting whether I’m confident enough to walk outside and get the mail.
I hate my body and everything about it. If someone offered me a bath of boiling oil, promising it would boil away all the imperfections and leave only the real me… but it would hurt… a lot… it’s boiling oil after all… I would dive in head first. And If I ever came up for air in the end that would be the icing on the cake. Boiling away the bad stuff… that would be enough to justify it all by itself.
Now please try to imagine preparing for a good first impression at work when that’s the canvas you’re working with. Re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic would feel like a career advancement opportunity.
But on another level I KNOW I am over-worrying, and over self-criticizing. I know I’m doing it, but it doesn’t matter. I can’t stop, and I can’t help believing it. And that makes me feel foolish and weak and incapable of weathering the storm from the opposite direction.
When you notice that you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t you’re already damned. You just haven’t accepted it yet.
I’m fun like that these days.
And please… before it’s mentioned… I KNOW this isn’t exactly rational or proportional emotion. It doesn’t make a bit of difference to hear that. It won’t turn off regardless.
I’m posting it here as a record of where I was. So when I make it through this I can look back and laugh. And probably cry. A little.