In the middle of September summer is fading into fall very noticeably where I live. The morning chill isn’t quite ready to leave frost, but it’s beginning to hint that it’s considering the matter seriously. The leaves are still mostly green, but in odd little places you see bright splashes of red, yellow, or orange. It’s not terribly different than mid summer, but if you know the signs you realize a major change is already underway.
This morning I awoke in a very good state of mind. I felt more right with the world than I’ve been in a very long time. Yesterday the final shoe dropped. The world didn’t end. If anything it got quite a bit brighter.
Another possible factor in my lightened mood is that I celebrated yesterday’s milestone by treating myself to a new hairstyle. I’ve previously been confined to keeping my hair in a state that could be pulled back into “guy with a ponytail.” I don’t need to do that anymore. The change is more liberating than I expected.
I find myself with a new confidence. Last night I went to a potluck dinner at the park for my kids school. It was one of those affairs where a bunch of adults who barely know each other make small talk while trying to keep an eye on their scampering own. I’ve avoided these sorts of things in the past because I didn’t want them to know me as a guy. Now that I’ve gone I have to say… wow, those things are dull. But… just the conventional kind of dull. I didn’t feel left out or isolated for being trans. E introduced me to a couple of people as her “other half.” I kind of liked that. And after putting in a suitable appearance I walked home (the park was only a block from our house). For the first time at one of those things I wasn’t escaping from the feeling that all eyes were judging me. I was just bored. Just normally, conventionally bored. I never knew that could feel so good.
Today the goals are modest. I’ll be taking the middle child shopping for a friend’s birthday gift. I’ll be picking up some new shampoo. My favorite football team will be on the television (Go Big Red!). I’ll start laying out my wardrobe options for work next week. At some point E and I will come up with some creative dinner out of all the stuff on hand in the fridge.
It’s just a normal Saturday. And normal has been a long time coming.