Dad did contact me based upon the letter I sent. It took him five days to call. When he did he told me that I pissed him off by accusing him of shunning me. *sigh*
The conversation went badly for a long while, but seemed to recover a bit near the end. I think it caught him off guard when I started to cry. I wasn’t prepared for his attack, nor he prepared for my tears. Call it a stalemate.
It’s weird to feel so defensive about asking your dad to be a bigger part of your life. But then I have learned that such moments will be treated as presumptive affronts in my family. And it certainly was in this case.
He says he can’t see me as a daughter. It hurts, but I understand it. Would that he tried to understand from my position.
From my position I’m his daughter, and always have been. He and mom tried hard to raise me as a son, and I tried hard to conform to that desire.
And goddamnit, I kept up my end of that charade amazingly well! Where is the appreciation? How many women do you know who could convince everyone else they’re men for decades at a time? It’s an Olympian feat I’ve pulled off! Hardly a moment for scorn.
From my position, asking appreciation for my compelled charade and some allowance to revert to being a daughter feels totally natural.
But that is a position he doesn’t see. And maybe never will. And it’s sooo frustrating.