I don’t often post directly in response to other people’s posts. If I agree, it seems redundant. If I disagree it seems confrontational. But in this case I’m going to make an exception because I suspect my reaction is neither redundant nor confrontational – it’s just different.
A post from Chloe Prince this morning gave me a little jolt because I had been thinking about a very similar topic during my morning commute.
In short, Chloe is having trouble being herself without feeling like she’s falling short of her standard of what a woman should be. If she’s drawing upon her male-upbringing in her new life, she feels it challenges her legitimacy as a woman. No doubt she speaks for many in this regard.
But I have to tell you, I talk to a lot of women and I hear this same concern quite a lot, regardless of their circumstances of birth. Women are increasingly called upon to not back down from doing the “guy stuff” from an early age. Some women learned to change their own oil. Some are good at fixing the plumbing or doing electrical work. Some grew up the only girl in a house full of brothers being treated like “one of the boys.” In all cases they have more masculine experiences than a lot of their peers, which can sometimes set them apart.
There’s an inevitable friction between the traditional image of feminine meekness and vulnerability, and the modern image of powerful women who can do anything men can do (backward and in heels, no less). The notion that those born female navigate these choppy waters naturally and easily is mistaken. Whether you were born into it or transitioned into it, the struggle to reconcile feminine vulnerability with female power – and in a form that will please everyone from your mother to your co-workers to your lovers to your friends – is a challenge. But it just doesn’t feel right to me to assume the correct answer is to feign ignorance where none exists, or weakness where you’re truly strong.
Chloe further elaborated her point:
“In truth, it takes a life time to enter and live in the female world to grow into a ‘woman’. Normally, a child goes through all these awkward stages of social grooming into their gender roll, early on in life. As a transgender woman, I feel like a 6 year old girl right now with the life experience of a 32 year old male. And that hurts, some days. Other days, its been a blessing to be able to navigate a situation with my ‘privilege’ of my former experience of having lived as a male. But again, your average woman would not have had that privilege. So am I a woman? Or am I a Transgender woman with male privilege? Admittedly, this is deeply troubling. But why?”
Not long ago I thought in exactly the same terms. I was applying a fieldwork standard in cultural anthropology to the gender transition experience (why yes, I am that much of a geek). In ethnographic fieldwork you’re supposed to assume that one year in the field gives you the understanding in that culture of someone born into it of equivalent age. You spent five years with the Yanamamo in Amazonia? Consider your understanding the equivalent of a Yanamomo five year old. Chloe describes the same mindset above.
But recently I started to realize it’s a bad analogy. Gender transition – for me anyway – is nothing like that. It may be like that for others, and I don’t want to discount their experiences, but that concept totally fell apart in my own transition experience.
Transition for me has been more about learning to trust my own instincts, and strip away the artificial and the phony. If I approach it like I’m trying to learn something foreign to me, what was all that gender dysphoria about? Surely some of this stuff has been trapped inside me for ages waiting for the chance to come out. I’m finding that in most of the important cases, this has been so.
My shift away from being “intrepid ethnographer in gender-land” came when I discovered that my presumption (that I must be clueless because I didn’t grow up in a female role) was itself holding me back from being authentic. The lack of authenticity more than the lack of experience kept me separated from being accepted as a woman by others. When I embraced my own life – including the unique experiences and perspectives brought about by a cross-gendered life – the artificial wall I’d placed between myself and others quickly crumbled.
It sounds to me like Chloe – like myself not long ago – is looking for acceptance to come from others first, in order to justify her own self-acceptance. I’ve found that approach didn’t work so well. Far better to start with self-acceptance, and work outward from there. After all, if you don’t accept yourself – and you know yourself far better than anyone else can – why should anyone else accept you?
I think some people who transition have a kind of courage problem. It’s not a lack of courage. It takes incredible courage to face down everyone in your life and insist your gender role doesn’t fit and needs to change. I would call this particular courage problem one of misdirected courage. They have loads of courage to face other people despite their admitted imperfections. But that courage is no where to be found when it comes to confronting their own self-doubt and shame.
Way back in one of my early posts on this blog I wrote about how living as a male felt like a never-ending acting job. In the end it exhausted me and I simply couldn’t go on with it any longer. Perhaps that’s why I am so determined that my post-transition life cannot fall into that same trap. I refuse to “act the part” of someone I am not. One consequence of of that means I have to lose the shame. I need to be able to show my authentic self without harsh self-judgement picking apart my own confidence and self esteem before others even get the chance.
In short, I have to find the courage to be myself – and be okay with being myself. I have to love myself first before I can ask others to love me. I have to stop shaming myself as being “not good enough,” or “not pretty enough,” or “not feminine enough,” as if there is some external standard of perfection I’m obligated to meet.
I have faults – plenty of them. So does every other woman I’ve ever met (and men have even more of them *rimshot*). Last I checked, a woman with faults is still a woman. A woman sheltered from experiences common to other women is still a woman. A woman who doubts herself and wonders if she measures up well with other women is all too much a woman.
Transition should not be a form of the question: Am I good enough yet? Instead it should be the exclamation point following a line of self-discovery stating: This is who I am! In fact, that’s a pretty good way to live even if you’re not inclined to gender transition.
Damn, Diana. For a Martian, you sure do a fine job of writing about the human experience.
I’ve been thinking about a similar line recently (and will probably blog at length about it when it strikes me to do so) in that I read some of the silly attacks in blogland where the worst possible thing seems to be to call someone out for acting like a man, which would, for some reason, disqualify them as women.
Well, I’ve had to live as a man for a good long while now and it only makes sense that occasionally I act in that manner I have lived. You cannot erase a lifetime in a day and you cannot change who you are so completely that you become nothing like who you were.
I read Chloe’s post as well and wondered why she was trying so hard to be a damsel in distress. Did she transition to become a stereotype of a weak woman? Why deny the fact that she is smart and knows a thing or two about a thing or two? It just didn’t make any sense to me.
Being a woman doesn’t mean checking your brain at the door, especially given that I know a heck of a lot more smart and knowledgeable women then men.
Thank you. Thank you for telling me (in a way) that I am okay. That I am who I am and that I need to like me first. This is something that doesn’t come easily to me. So, thank you!
I have not read Chloe’s latest post yet, which is probably a good thing. I have yet to get my head around where she is coming from. Based on her actions, it is a confused and troubled place.
I think however that, “that confused and troubled place” is where a lot of us once had to navigate through as just one step along that journey to psycho-sexual congruity. Not to digress TOO far from your excellent observations to which I will return forthwith, I might suggest the links in the comments and body of Liz’s latest post for a peek deep into the depths of that “troubled place”.
But to your point…IMHO Being AUTHENTICALLY, who you are is, again IMHO, the ONLY way to be who you really and truly ARE. In a ‘nutshell’, “You cannot please everyone, so you might as well please yourself”. And my personal favorite corrolary, “My Life, My Rules”. If it works for me, I try not to fix it. Unless you share my bed or my life, or sign my paycheck, what you think of me matters very little to me.
Because I transitioned relatively early in life, most of my pre-transition life was spent in school or college. Not much practical life experience there. What I did “bring with me” from those early, essentially forgotten days, was a distinct LACK of that “feminine mystic”. Although I can still “girlie up” quite effectively, and I am most definately my man’s “babe”, I am essentially a ‘tomboy’. I very closely resemble my avatar.
What “life skills” and methods of navigating “LIFE”, I acquired, I did so post transition. Although I did change my own motor oil prior to, and up to just a few years ago, I have no fear and no real aversion to again getting “down and dirty” if and when that need might arise.
I was always an approval seeker. That’s crippling for either sex. One of the ways that I knew transition was good for me was that my need for approval continued to decrease, and feeling good about who I am continued to increase. I used to worry about whether I seemed authentic to others, which of course was exactly the wrong thing to do. Now I am just myself, a self that is so much more at ease with people and with the world, and I don’t even think any more about whether that’s the “right” way to be. Of course it is. I am an authentic woman and authentically me. I just love how those two go together.
Okay so now Popeye comes to mind. ” I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam.” May sound silly but it is true. Everyone should be who they are, not who they think everyone wants them to be. This holds true not only for members of the TG community but for pretty much everyone else as well.
I am one of those genetic woman that likes to build things, can wire a light switch, auger the drains and do a complete tune up on a lawn mower. But when I was growing up it was difficult. I was a little too rough for most girls and too girly for most boys. It wasn’t a gender issue as much as it was a stereotype. Girls are one way and boys are the other. You could be a strong woman but be prepared to be labelled. Then I grew up.
When I focused on my career, I learned a very valuable lesson. If guys could flirt to get their way, they would do it all the time. I also learned that most women are really confused by their roles as well. When I was getting ready for maternity leave, I was literally cornered by a group of female co-workers and drilled about my plans for after the baby was born. I was judged on wanting to breastfeed, wanting to stay home, planning on coming back, daycare whether family or other, etc. I was actually told that wanting to stay home was putting the woman’s movement back 20 years but coming back to work was neglectful for the child. It was a no win situation. Lesson learned-you can’t please everyone, so you must do what is right for you and yours.
It was during this time I started using the “toolbox” analogy. We all start out our lives with a toolbox. Tools are different but as we grow we can choose what to add or take away. The color, shape, and size of the toolbox doesn’t matter. It’s what we do with what’s inside. Same goes for our lives. Use what you have, be who you are meant to be, and don’t worry about the other “tools” that are out there.
Love ya Hon!
I left a big long comment over on Natasha’s blog, so I won’t do it again here. Suffice to say that I would never want to insult my female friends – or Ellen here – by pretending to be less knowledgeable or less capable, just because it fits some outdated stereotype. How can anyone do that and still claim to be authentic? Why transition if it means putting on an act?
I think what every one here has missed is NOT that women of, or not of, history cannot do the things men can do… Far from it. Other than being built to move heavy things easily women can do anything a man can do and often. Women can do them far better than the men folk… But this show of ardent feminisiam is not what it seems to be! In fact I would go so far as to say it is an unintended but still misogynistic outgrowth of the group having been raised with Male Privilege!
I don’t know if you noticed or not but, look, men and women are, ahem, well, different! And we are different in just about every way possible! Ergo men and women, when they do the same things, they do not just do them differently… They do them VERY differently! The reason behind that difference is either the different physical structure of women vs men. Or it ise biological difference, as in women are the humans who are filled with babies and it is the men who do the filling. Or the social constructs that came from the first two!
So to say that you, as newly emerging or emerged, women can continue to do everything you learned as a male, and you can continue to do them in the exact same manner as you did it as a males is shortsighted and just plain foolish!
That is, unless your goal is to stand out as the center of attention for all the wrong reasons. Which is one of the things that men do do! Another of those differences… Socially, men dominate and women equivocate!
It is not good or bad it just is! Women do not show prowess, while men do. Men will seek the spotlight when it is women who are usually the ones focusing it for them. This dance is what makes up the two different sudes of the coin we call human and it takes both men and women to hold up the sky
Look this is not meant as an accusatory thing… The work of hunting down all those differences and then, reclaiming the skills as women, is the work of decades not a few months or even years and to do so is not do dishonor women or to denigrate them… Rather it by way of acknowledgement celebrates both sexes as unique and wonderful
A Sister.
I’m glad you participated in the discussion. But I don’t remotely agree with your opinion.
There are too many cis gendered women telling me this post resonated with them to accept your notion that this kind of thinking comes from “misogynistic outgrowth of the group having been raised with Male Privilege!”
But again, thanks for your participation.
I wouldn’t agree with about 90% of ‘a sisters’ points, but do feel there’s something relevant to this topic in her approach.
That’s to say that, in this respect of concern about authenticity, we are apt to separate off this as a trans phenomenon. I think , though, that the ability to easily measure self authenticity is something characteristic of the male world. Whenever I’ve raised this or tangential concerns re authenticity, the most common reactions from my girl friends have tended to go along the lines of ‘welcome to the club’. OK, part of this can be put down to kyriarchic socialisation, but for me there’s also an inherent factor in terms of the female world being one where social identities are more relative, and negotiations of self and other being far more complex and individual. Ease of self validation by reference to abstract criteria I’d see as cognitively more commonly male.
I suppose all this says is that I’d fully support your sentiments re authenticity, but look for wider implications than are specifically trans.
Sophia, So far the strongest positive reactions I’ve gotten on my authenticity points have come from non-trans women – not trans women, nor men.
I’d be lying if I said I invented the concept myself. I picked it up from a female researcher (Brene Brown), who considers this a common human need. I’m simply applying her general concepts to the transition experience. I’m intentionally breaking the dialogue out of any “specifically trans” framework, because I’m finding too many flaws (and blind alleys, and circular arguments, and and cliques, and bullies) within that approach.
I do think speaking about transition in this way challenges those who want to make reference to external social factors as the marks of success, rather than internal standards of authenticity and worthiness. It’s much easier to say “I pass” than it is to look yourself in the mirror every morning and genuinely like the person you see. But I think that same challenge affects everyone, trans and non-trans alike.
I know this is an old post but well…. I can say that men have these problems too. We aren’t allowed to show it, though.
…I mean, the problems with self-doubt and shame and fearing that we’re not real men, just like women fear they’re not real women.
It’s slightly off the topic but you know what makes me mad? When car mechanics try to rip women off because they think they are ignorant. This is what I thought of when I read Chloe’s post. Pretending not to know something because you’re afraid it makes you seem less girly is stupid. I would write more but I think Ellen said it all.
I am thinking that “A Sister’s” mis-use of the term “misogyny” in her reference to the particular line of thinking in this discussion served to distract from a very valid message. While I do agree that “being yourself” and NOT trying to meet some “theoretical standard of femininity” is a valid position, I think what was missed is that while women generally DO most everything that men do, there ARE very real limitations and “accomodations” that women can and do make.
It is these “feminine accomodations” that allow women to exist along side their men. Having lived with a man for most of my 40 years, I have found that it is much more enjoyable to COMPLETE my man, rather than to COMPETE with him.
I understand your point, Anne. And when it’s cast as a matter of “I like this, and perhaps others will find the same” rather than “If you don’t agree you’re ignorant/an idiot/evil,” it makes all the difference in the world.
On the other hand there are important distinctions being ignored in any idealization of women accommodating men as a path to happiness.
Some women live in this way and are happy for it. Some do the same and are miserable as a result. Increasingly women don’t bother making special accommodations for men any more than they do for other women. Happiness can lie down that path too.
My main point in the whole post is about being honest enough to ask these questions of ourselves – and then to live honestly in response to our answers.
Diana, I agree with everything in your post, and in my own words have been saying similar things for a long time. It’s not to boast in any sense, but I think it is the paradigm of this in my life that led to be accepting and being okay with being authentic as I am as early as I have. But maybe it’s something in my nature. I am okay with being me, both for that which is because I was once male, and being female because underneath it all that is who I am and always was. As I have grown out of my old shell that I once lived in, I realized it was quite common of women to ask them selves these questions. My mother who is a natal female (obviously) is very strong, and very well versed in many things that usually men partake in. In many respects she was raised like a son by her father. But as I can assure you, this mitigates her gender none the lesser, nor does it make her manly.
She, like many women, fights with preconceptions about men and women and what one is supposed to and not supposed to do… All as I might add that are social constructs. And yes there are differences in what one gender can do through physiological factors over the other and vise versa. The moment I started taking estrogen I gave up male privilege and the strength that comes from having testosterone. At one point in time I was the one opening the stubborn pickle jar, but now I have to find the aid of a man to do the same task. I am very well aware of the differences between men and women. However, there is a great deal of overlap in skill, and while men and women do things differently this doesn’t necessitate that one’s competency varies over the other.
Some women are versed in home repair, some men aren’t. Some men are excellent cooks and live at home as husbands, and some women can barely cook a pop-tart but can design a computer with their eyes closed. Some skills are inherent to women, and some skills to men; however, the amount of overlap is pretty large. But this in my opinion is no different from the differences between people sex aside. One man can pull and engine apart and put it back together in 2 hours and another can’t change is own oil. But that is where being genuine to who you are is so important. If you can’t admit your own gifts because of what other people think it implies about your gender then it limits you, and inevitably causes duress. The only person we should be good at being is ourselves.
I am a woman, but by social definition I am transgender. Many things about me are feminine, and are naturally so. Many things about me are masculine, and are naturally so for that is how I was raised. But those have no bearing on who I am, but are a part. I am the top of this pyramid of things about me, and those things merely augment me not define me. I am me, because I am me, and because I can be nobody else. And your right, once I became okay with those things people perceived me as female whether or not some people felt that I “passed”. People who know nothing of me look and see female. Self acceptance doesn’t always lead to global acceptance, but self denial assures you that the would will deny it too.
But I will openly admit that I fought with a lot of that when I first started out… Spent a lot of time spewing over stereotypes, and worrying about this made me woman, and that made me woman. I was stuck in defining myself through others stereotypes and labels. It wasn’t until I started to break free of much of that where I first saw the fallacy of defining yourself in such a way. Thank you for the deep and insightful post and I’ll look forward to more.
Very well written & true.
[…] woman if she eschews those things which are typically associated with women and womenhood. Diana wrote about women who compare themselves to other women in an effort to ensure they fit in. Underlying […]